Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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