Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How does it feel to date your dad?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
