Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
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Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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