we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
