My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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