my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
