You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
