the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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