Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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