I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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