I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
