my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
