Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
