You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
