I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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