someone owes me an orgasm
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
