You smell like a Billy Joel song
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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