I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
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I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
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Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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