Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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