I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
