i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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