cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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