I am spending my child support on dildos
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
