If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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