I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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