Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
