In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
