if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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