I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
