My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
