In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
