You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
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