Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
