It's a beautiful day for a hangover
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
