I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
