I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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