a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
