i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She bit a glass in half.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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