After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We are all done wearing pants today
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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