About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Randomize
