I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
