People in love make me want to vomit
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just gargled with NyQuil
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
