I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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