My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
