Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
