No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
