Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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