I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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