Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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