New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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