found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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