If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
