If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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