1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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