There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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