I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
