So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
