i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
