My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
