I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
