I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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