I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
